Arms Length

Since last summer, I have lived near a railroad crossing. I have a crazy schedule with early and late hours and usually a break in between. I try to go home during my breaks when I can. Time is not always on my side during those breaks since I usually have an endless list of tasks that need accomplishing. I always hope that I will miss one of the many trains on my way to or from. They stop traffic blocking my path when I am almost there or have just left. They can take what feels like twenty minutes but is probably more like 15 to pass. If I do not have a single minute to spare it drives me crazy and I feel trapped and helpless. I have tried to figure out a way around the train and come up with none until recently. I was in my car getting out of the parking spot when I heard it coming. I knew I did not have time to wait for it to pass. I thought desperately as I got to the end of the drive trying to come up with an alternate route. I looked both ways about to drive into traffic when it hit me. All I had to do was turn left instead of right. There was a way to avoid the train altogether and get me back to the interstate I needed. And it had been there right in front of my face the whole time.

I felt a little dumb at first for not noticing the solution to my problem was always there. But I realized that is just sometimes how solutions work. They sit at arms length until you are ready for them. Sometimes we are just too close to the problem to notice the solution or we have to take ten steps back instead of two for the vision to come into focus.

This is also how I felt when I realized that my fiancé and I had been in the same place at the same time so many times at least since I was 13. As a teen I would lie on my bed on hot summer afternoons listening to Barbra Streisand and watching the clouds roll by out my window. I would wonder if there was a guy out there somewhere for me and what he might be doing. I would wonder how long it would take us to meet. Now I wonder if we ever did meet before our first date. Steven says he wishes we had met earlier. But I tell him that I wasn’t ready yet. Even though I felt for years like it would never happen and I knew in my heart I was ready, I was not. But there he was at arms length until I was ready to reach for him. I am so lucky he was still there. Exactly one year ago today that we made it official. Happy Anniversary Steven!

New Birthday Tradition

This Sunday is my birthday. My friend Renee was watching Broad City last night and saw a segment where it was a birthday and they had a tradition where the birthday broad said one thing she was proud of from that year and one thing she wanted to do in the coming year. She said we should start this tradition ourselves and I agreed.

This past year has been a great one, which makes it hard to pick just one thing. But I have found a common theme throughout my successes that ties them all together. During this past year I decided not to let fear run my life. I still have to work on letting go of fear but it does not hold me back like it used to. I still weigh all the options in terms of what could go wrong when making a decision because I think it is important to do so. I no longer let fear that everything will go wrong be my excuse not to do something. This has also helped me to not let other people’s opinions make my decisions because I’m not as worried about what other people think. I am more open to new people and new experiences and less worried about holding on to bad relationships that no longer serve me. The fear of being alone was not as great as it used to be which is helpful. I have been alone and I know what it is like. I also know I can survive it and continue on with my life. This has also helped me to find the love of my life. If I am not afraid to be alone my relationships are much healthier.

I have let go of the fear of failure. I have decided to let myself try new things and if they do not work then at least I know what does not work. I have instead embraced the fear of success. I believe the fear of success is a healthy fear as long as it does not stand in your way. I have let it fuel my writing. If I am worried about what people might think about a story then it is probably worth writing. If I am worried about whether or not I can finish a book then it is worth the try. I am now almost finished with my full-length book.

The one thing I want to do this year aside from the things that are already happening, like getting married, is to get my book published. I hope that is what I can be proud of next year.

What are you proud of doing in the past year and what do you want to do with the 2015?

#tbt to a great birthday at Beauty Bar NY

Your Face

I saw your face today
I had not seen it in years
But it was not you

It took a minute to realize
You were not suddenly in my orbit
It took my breath away

The voice startled me
When it sounded different
Further confirming it was not you

My heart beat faster
Confused and strained
But then a deep sigh

Sometimes You Have to Start Small

“Sometimes you have to start small, climbing the tiniest wall, but it’s better than not starting at all.”- “Everybody Says Don’t” from Anyone Can Whistle by Steven Sondheim

 

I love the version of this song that Barbra Streisand sings. I will never forget the first time I heard it on her Back to Broadway Album. This was my first conscious listening to Barbra Streisand and I instantly became a fan. The Back to Broadway album is the one I listen to when I need to think, need some inspiration or wisdom. I am constantly repeating the above quote to myself and sometimes to my clients as well. I have big ideas and expectations. When it seems like I will never get to the other side of an obstacle, after freaking out a little or maybe a lot, I hear Barbra singing this song. I remember all the times this song helped me to see that I could find a way to chip away at the boulder in my way to make it to the other side.

I have a way of creating a large task for myself. I can see myself on the other side, triumphant and accomplished. Once I convince myself this particular task is worth tackling the little things build up and seem insurmountable. I am hard wired to fight back, to obliterate the little tasks until they become only checks on my to do list. There are times when I have lost the battle too many times and I want to give up. Then out of nowhere I remember the song. I remind myself “it’s better than not starting at all.”

I have found myself back there again. I am overwhelmed with large tasks, some of which I have chosen, others that have been unapologetically thrust upon me. I have no choice but to keep moving. I have to start small and keep chipping away knowing that even a dent is something and better than nothing at all.

Play-Doh flower